My sister is always bragging about guys that want to ask her out and I’m just like, shut up you never hear me bragging about the homeless men that tell me I have beautiful lips or ask me if my cheeks are real.
My friends have always told me that I’m terrible at keeping secrets because I have this weird need to tell everyone everything and I never really believed it as true until last week when I was sitting at the kitchen table telling my dad about my profile on a sugar daddy dating website and how a 61 year old man sent me shirtless pictures of himself.
I’m at the dentist which is usually something I have no problem with but right now I’m definitely experiencing some anxiety symptoms and I think it has something to do with the fact that the hygienists are wearing those shoes with the toes built in.
I think I need to learn to differentiate between jealousy and hatred. I think that I hate people when really I am jealous of them. Jealous of their talents, jealous of their achievements, jealous of their ambition, jealous of everything they have that I don’t - and I’m not even talking about material things but I’m jealous of that girls shoes too. Jealousy is such an ugly thing and feels so terrible that I replace it with hate because that I feel I can somehow justify. I can’t.
What I need is to learn to accept that just because things in my life are happening differently from others it doesn’t make me any less. And maybe if I see things in people that I admire and envy I should turn that into something positive in myself. Turn my jealousy of someone’s ambition into my own ambition and let my jealousy of their achievements lead me to my own achievements. I want to be proud of people and happy for them instead of disgusted with myself.