Jesus H. I wish someone would hit me in the head with a 2 by 4. I just found the twitter of an old love and I have tears in my eyes because he’s so great and his tweets made me LOL and it’s really hard to get me to actually LOL. Fuck.
You guys, naps are evil. Naps lure you in with cuddly blankets and the promise of sleep and you feel like you’re being carried away to sleep land in a wonderful soft carriage, but the person you are when you wake up from a nap is not the person you were when you fell asleep two hours ago. When I wake up from a nap I’m a sweaty, probably smelly, definitely crazy person. The sun beaming in through the blinds feels like daggers all over my body and it takes my brain an unusually long time to register my surroundings. I’m not aware of the time or place that I’m in, all I’m aware of is my horrible thirst which I imagine rivals that of a zombie’s hunger for brains. Before I even know what I’m doing, I stumble out into the streets in search of some sort of carbonated beverage, preferably Sprite and hopefully fountain. But the Rite Aid that’s located a block from my house is out of Sprite. I find something different but what I don’t realize is that what goes into an after-nap mouth does not taste the way it should, and once the taste is there it usually doesn’t leave. I get a bag of Chex Mix and Wild Cherry Pepsi anyway, throwing caution to the wind and ignoring the calorie limit I had implemented for myself. While I’m at the register at Rite Aid, I simultaneously realize that I don’t remember locking my apartment door and that I would feel so much better about everything in my life if I had gone to the gym instead of taking a nap. I never want to take a nap again.