I saw him buying condoms once - and I was still a virgin so I stood at the end of the checkout aisle with my mouth hanging open not wanting to look at him. Because I was a virgin and I was buying Cocoa Pebbles and he was going to go fuck his girlfriend that wasn’t me, and I was going to go home and eat my artificially flavored crispy rice cereal. When I think about it I feel like I was wearing the toe socks he got me but I know I wasn’t. I wish I had been because then maybe if he had seen the stripes poking out from under the bottom of my pant leg he would have remembered. But even if he had, this was after the night that I got drunk and tried to blow him, and he said it would ruin our friendship which really just meant that he didn’t want me to, because he let her do it. So I gave his best friend a hand job in my mom’s bed as if that would get back at him. But I don’t think he ever knew and if he had, he didn’t care. And I’ll always remember the time he said to me, “Not everyone’s out to get you, Stephanie.” But I still think they are.
Well, so that is what happens and what has happened and you might as well admit it and now you will never have two whole nights with her. Not a lifetime, not to live together, not to have what people were always supposed to have, not at all. One night that is past, once one afternoon, one night to come; maybe. No, sir.
Not time, not happiness, not fun, not children, not a house, not a bathroom, not a clean pair of pajamas, not the morning paper, not to wake up together, not to wake and know she’s there and that you’re not alone. No. None of that. But why, when this is all you are going to get in life of what you want; when you have found it; why not just one night in bed with sheets?
You ask for the impossible. You ask for the ruddy impossible. So if you love this girl as much as you say you do, you had better love her very hard and make up in intensity what the relation will lack in duration and in continuity. Do you hear that? In the old days people devoted a lifetime to it. And now when you have found it if you get two nights you wonder where all the luck came from.