I’m leaving for Pittsburgh in 8 hours so naturally I haven’t started packing yet.
Women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone...– When Strangers Click, a 2011 documentary about online dating. It reminds me of that famous Margaret Atwood quote: “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.” It also reminds me of something written by one of the mods of Sex Worker Problems: “Misandry...
damn this girl doesnt rly seem to be that into me...
dingraha: better talk about my wiener some more and how i think she could make my wiener feel
effington: Inspiring message in film/media: tell people how you really feel about them before it’s too late because life is short Me: ugh, but no
I’m watching a youtube hair tutorial and this girl is just chillin with makeup on and wearing a long sleeve sweater while blow drying her hair and curling it and just looking like a little elf princess and if I were doing that I would have turned into a sweaty swamp ogre like a SECOND into the blow drying process???? I’m pissed.
I am 100% certain that I have shed more tears over Philip Seymour Hoffman than over any boy that I have looked in the eyes and touched. I hope that’s okay.
I already deleted my okcupid account because a guy that was in my high school math class that was very sad to look at visited my profile. I just ate a whole box of velveeta shells and cheese. Please kill me.
realdumbgirl: don’t trust any man who makes fun of you for believing in astrology
therumpus: Pisces: This week you’re going to find yourself wanting to do nothing but talk and tell stories and share everything with everyone, every thought you’ve ever had, everything you’ve ever felt. This week, talking’s going to make you feel lighter, talking will make you feel free. It’s a good week to write weird emails to everyone you’ve ever loved, or to write strange small poems about...
grandchild: Gran, what was the best moment of your entire life?
me: Well, that's a tough question, sweetie. Giving birth to your mom and your aunts and uncles was amazing, and winning all of those Academy Awards was incredible, but I think the best moment of my entire life happened a long time ago...when I was working at a pizzeria and I gave a customer an empty pizza box and tricked them into thinking it was their pizza.
whenever a girl customer that looks near my age compliments me on something (which happens a lot, obviously) when they start to walk away I whisper, “will you be my friend?”
You guys don’t even understand how great that empty pizza box prank was. The look of confusion on the guy’s face. And it was like a cute bro! God, I feel so alive!
I just handed someone an empty pizza box as if it was there pizza and they said awesome! thanks! and started to walk away with it and that was the best moment of my entire life. I can’t stop laughing.
need a shirt that says: “LEAVE ME ALONE I’M BINGE EATING”
I make a measly wage but sometimes it is worth it to have a boss I can say, “save that champagne for our dildo party!” to.
Ya know how if you fill a cup with a lid up too high when you put the straw in some liquid will spill out the straw hole so you suck on the straw as you put it into the hole to prevent spillage? Ever had someone watch you do that? It can be a very erotic experience for them.
Today I confused the phrase “blow them out of the water” with “drown that bitch in a bathtub” which I think was startling for the people I was talking to.
If you are outside and it’s dark and there is a bald man walking towards you with his head down looking at his phone, and if you just got off a 12 hour shift and are very tired, it can look like that man has no face, only skin where a face should be and that can be very frightening.
I just went through my phone and deleted the numbers of boys I shouldn’t text. So now I have like 5 contacts.
I will die with a vagina full of cobwebs and a heart made of ice before I SETTLE. I have been alone my whole life and it’s been okay. I’ve had some laughs.
Will looked through okcupid for guys near me and sent me links to a few he thought were decent? alive? not serial killers? and if he thought I would ever let my pussy near any of those facial hair situations he is MISTAKEN. I am offended and saddened. I am a Queen and Queens do not fuck peasants.
Anonymous asked: Marry me?
tumblinerb: Mariah Carey f/ OJ Da Juiceman, Big...
boys are so stupid why I am so afraid of them!!!!!!!!
The only good thing about my job is that I stand behind a counter in front of the noisy kitchen and the hot oven which both somehow cancel out the smell and noise of my farts. I can fart without anyone ever knowing!!
Morgan told me about this song today and now I...
describe yourself in 3 television characters.
dickpicoftheartist: tress-fess: nudewave: Jane Kerkovich-Williams (Happy Endings), Ellie Torres (Cougar Town), and the love child of April Ludgate and Leslie Knope (Parks and Rec). Literally these people in a scary way. okay I am going to go with Britta Perry (Community) Casey Klein (Party Down) Claire Fisher (Six Feet Under) and bonus bc NICK MILLER NICK MILLER but I WISH it were...
dickpicoftheartist: if you wanna be my lover you gotta read all 247 pages of my tumblr and tell me how proud you are of me and how much i’ve grown as a blogger and a woman
I saw The Great Gatsby with the little sis the other night and afterwards she was like crying and freaking out about how obsessed she is with Leonardo Dicaprio and I was like bitch, please. I used to save up all the money I earned dusting and emptying the wastebaskets so that I could buy books with pages that were all just pictures of his face.